Blue days

Joe

Everyone has down days, right?  To quote Return to Me, “I shouldn’t have days“, but unfortunately I do.  Vulnerability is something that allows us to grow, so I wanted to share with you all.

Caveat- I intend to get to confession ASAP, which should help.

-Y’all know I’ve been trying to get this wheelchair thing off the ground.  I’m pretty  obsessed about it.  It’s opened me up to reaching out to big companies and doing cold calls/emails to anyone I think that can help make it happen.

-Ever since I fell, I’ve had to make sure I have my phone or iWatch with me, just in case, and I’ve had to modify how I go about things.

-I’m more and more unable to get focused on work, and I’m ready for a new challenge or different career field.

-I’m having a harder time speaking, and I have to repeat myself a lot or not say things.

And… those are some of the reasons I’m having blue days.  The wheelchair thing, I have hope but more and more I hear nothing, or I’m misunderstood.  Having the constant reminder that I’m one fall away from being in a wheelchair (or dying) is stressful and makes me very sad.  Not being able to focus on work makes me guilty that I’m not doing what I ought and am not a good worker.  Not being able to communicate makes it hard to bond with my wife and family, and I feel isolated and like I’m not there for them.

It’s stupid really, but each of those points add up to a negative mood/mindset.  I get it, I have a lot going on.  I just definitely feel that I’m missing on the “now”, now.  I try to be positive, but it adds up.

I think I need to pray more, refocus on God and His will more, and let it go.  I have a feeling that me losing my sense of control is a big part of this, but it’s also easier said than done.

If anyone in reader-land has any suggestions on how I can be less selfish and self-centered, I’d appreciate your thoughts!

 

Published by Joe

I have ALS and big ideas, oftentimes beyond my grasp. 37-year-old father of four, I love God and try to keep my eyes on the goal!

16 thoughts on “Blue days”

  1. You’re the least selfish guy I know. I have been praying for you to avoid the dark days. I better step it up. I wish I could fund your wheelchair, or a race car, or a even a rocket. I love you, Brother Dear!

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  2. Goodness, Joe! I don’t know that anyone can suggest you be more selfless in carrying this cross. The only things I can offer are two images that may help you draw ob the strength of Christ on days when human strength seems in short supply. The first is burying yourself in the wound in His Sacred Heart, protected there by the walls of His Heart from the buffets of this life. The other is a painting by Fra Angelico of St. Dominic kneeling and gripping the cross with of Christ crucified, the cross as a mainstay for us all in the sufferings of life. These images calm the storms of life for me, and remind me of a quote from St. Therese’s sister, Pauline: “Jesus seems to sleep in your little boat, but do not be afraid; His heart watches.” Love & prayers for you, Melanie and your family!

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  3. Joe, I feel your pain…did you order the wheelchair? I am sending $1500 for the wheelchair and like Jess, I wish I could do more. My prayers are with you and Mel. I love you both. Lynn

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  4. I’ll try to list a few things that have helped me.
    1) Count your blessings, the first five will be just fine. If you have to go past five, it is not working, go to step two.
    2) Do something for someone else you know. That might mean that you just pray for them. It will take your mind off of yourself.
    3) Read something to focus your mind. It could be something chearful or inspirational. Just make sure it is not about you.
    4) Watch a funny movie.
    5) Get medicated. Paxil and Cymbalta worked for me. There probably will be a medication out there that can help you too.
    6) No matter what your situation, you can choose to be happy or unhappy. It is a matter of what you focus on. Of course, that might mean being more Zen than a normal human.
    7) Realize that at some points in life, your only job is to be happy. If you are happy, your happiness will spread to the people around you. If you are unhappy that will also spread. Being happy is an unselfish act that is also a gift to the people around you.

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    1. Sam I agree w/ all of the above – although not sure why going past 5 blessing means its not working? Joe you have the right idea & I know its always easier said than done but just try & focus on others & Christ and you will be right where you need to be! you have a beautiful family & a great group of friends don’t hesitate to ask for help in whatever you need Brother! We are all praying for you daily !! God Bless you & your family!! Tim –(you still dug the hardest holes I have ever seen in the 27 years of my business in Leesburg on that deck we built so many years ago!)

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    2. Thanks Sam – you are going through your own trials yourself! I will do this too!
      Except for the meds. I am leery of meds only because side effects mess me up more than the problem!!!

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  6. Hey Joe! Just let me say that you are an inspiration to all of us. You have a right to feel down and overwhelmed with the cross you carry. Remember that Jesus went into the garden and asked his Father to remove his cross, but then said “Not My will but Your’s be done”.
    I like to say the St. Brendan the Navigator prayer when I feel overwhelmed.

    Help me to journedy
    Beyond the familiar
    And into the unknown.
    Give the faith
    To leave old ways
    And break fresh
    Ground with you.

    Christ of the myteries
    I trust you to be
    Stronger than each
    Storm within me.

    I will trust in the
    Darkness and know
    That my times, even
    Now, are in your hand.

    Tune my spirit to
    The music of Heaven
    And somehow,
    Make my Obedience
    Count for you. Amen

    I especially like the last verse. Praying for you everyday and sending my love.

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  7. Joe, You have been one of my main intentions through my accident and its pain and suffering. I continue to offer and pray for you each and everyday. God asks of us the impossible. Humanly we can not carry on but with His grace it becomes possible. We lift each other up in prayer. “Lord if it be possible take this cup away from me but not my Will Thy Will be done” Jesus understands our heaviness our burden. Sending my love in Christ.

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    1. Mary I’ve been praying for you too!! I love the way you are smiling through all of your suffering even though you are in great pain. God bless you and your family!

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  8. Joe,
    It has been a long while since we have talked. Hearing your brother in law talk about you reminds me of the old days when you were here at work in Manassas with all of us, and that you are the same happy, good guy through all of your suffering. Selfish does not describe you then or now. I am praying for you, and remember, there is always HOPE. Keep focusing on what the others said above, “thy will be done”. How much better can it get, knowing that you are fulfilling what his will is for you right now. Knowing that in my little sufferings day to day though not as heavy as yours, does bring me solace. I’m sure it’s harder than I could ever even imagine, but you are strong and you are focused on all the right things. I I think your suffering puts that in perspective for everyone else. I will continue to pray for you and your beautiful family Joe, especially with the upcoming events you will be participating in. Love and prayers for all. Marie Weimer

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