Everyone has down days, right? To quote Return to Me, “I shouldn’t have days“, but unfortunately I do. Vulnerability is something that allows us to grow, so I wanted to share with you all.
Caveat- I intend to get to confession ASAP, which should help.
-Y’all know I’ve been trying to get this wheelchair thing off the ground. I’m pretty obsessed about it. It’s opened me up to reaching out to big companies and doing cold calls/emails to anyone I think that can help make it happen.
-Ever since I fell, I’ve had to make sure I have my phone or iWatch with me, just in case, and I’ve had to modify how I go about things.
-I’m more and more unable to get focused on work, and I’m ready for a new challenge or different career field.
-I’m having a harder time speaking, and I have to repeat myself a lot or not say things.
And… those are some of the reasons I’m having blue days. The wheelchair thing, I have hope but more and more I hear nothing, or I’m misunderstood. Having the constant reminder that I’m one fall away from being in a wheelchair (or dying) is stressful and makes me very sad. Not being able to focus on work makes me guilty that I’m not doing what I ought and am not a good worker. Not being able to communicate makes it hard to bond with my wife and family, and I feel isolated and like I’m not there for them.
It’s stupid really, but each of those points add up to a negative mood/mindset. I get it, I have a lot going on. I just definitely feel that I’m missing on the “now”, now. I try to be positive, but it adds up.
I think I need to pray more, refocus on God and His will more, and let it go. I have a feeling that me losing my sense of control is a big part of this, but it’s also easier said than done.
If anyone in reader-land has any suggestions on how I can be less selfish and self-centered, I’d appreciate your thoughts!