Without getting into personal life, I’ve always preferred Jean – Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise over any other captain. End of story.
Like Picard, I also have my share of problems. Thank goodness Whoopi isn’t in this episode! But I’m going to be vulnerable and share some stuff I’m going through. If you haven’t noticed, the blog got real negative and emo. This is easy to explain as I am going through a dark place. Those who know me, know that I am very emotionally moved, and flow from happiness for a while into dark moods that may take months to get out of. A doctor would probably say I’m bipolar or insane. The last time this happened, was hostages being beheaded in Syria. Before that was the consulate attack in Benghazi. Etc. Right now it’s the church scandal, the political bs that is going on by both parties, the downtrodding of human life by a medical aid in dying proposal that i don’t doubt will pass in VA, AND my lack of ability to come to grips with ALS.
There are so many strong people out there, with strong stories. I’m not comparing, but I’m not like them. The book I told you all to read, he was accepting of his ALS, but his wife had trouble with each of new stage. For us, it seems the opposite. I can’t deal with each step, I’m too proud to admit I need help or can’t do something I used to, I get angry faster with the kids because I perceive they don’t listen to me or understand me. It is not a joyful experience. As someone wise told me, it’s not choose bitterness for Joe!
But I thought I would share. I won’t talk about physical ailments, because we all have those. But you should know the little ways that everything seems to be turned against you, mentally, in my particular situation.
For example. Going up or down stairs is a chore now, as I have posture issues. But more than once I have had to stop and cling to something, terrified that my legs will give way. Then, RIGHT as that is happening, a small voice says it would be better to fall down the stairs, why not just do it? ……… Right?! Freaks me out every time.
What about other stuff? I’m afraid to get my feeding tube, because it is a symbol of how I can’t eat. Or I don’t want to use the bipap because it takes too much time, and I don’t want to be weak. It is all about pride and not accepting each step as it comes. I am not accepting of the progressions, and why is that? I don’t know. Because I’m human, right? But, I am going to get the feeding tube, I will ask for more help, I just need prayers, please. I have nightmares about not living my life as I should and being in sin.
So what do I do when I’m depressed? I found that if I keep my mind busy, if I’m thinking about solving problems, if I’m inventing, then it opens up the outlook. Why do disabled and old people begin to wither away? They are left out and feel they can’t contribute. And the way we treat them is shameful.
So today, after I wrote this very open post, I took my new bump cap from Findlay, and went outside on Isabel and took a short walk or ride with Luke and Mel. It cheered me up, holding my son on my lap, and being with my wife. I am going through dark places but I’m supposed to be here with them, no matter how many sufferings I have. And he’s cute as hell!