The real reason people are jerks

This is an incredibly serious and deep post, one that delves into the innermost recesses of man’s soul.

I’m talking, of course, about all white meat chicken.

Today I was gifted something amazing, Mel got me Popeyes.  I can’t eat much, and lifting the spoon to my mouth requires two hands.  Mel cuts up the chicken and puts it in a bowl of coleslaw (I could write another post on the joys of coleslaw), and then I eat it, and if I choke to death, it was delicious.

But the joy that I get from Popeyes is overshadowed by a great evil.

You see, ever since I was a wee bairn, I have eaten dark meat chicken, the leg and thigh.  As I have grown older, every restaurant, fast food joint, or commercial has slowly changed to offer only white meat!  Even my father in law succumbed to this when ordering all white meat General Tso’s Chicken.  And I got to thinking, why white meat?  Chick Fil A is guilty, sorry cousin Paul.  Maccas, Burger King, Wendy’s, Foster’s, and the list goes on. It’s an advertising staple now.  Why?

I actually had white meat chicken nuggets the other day, and it required being chopped into tiny pieces and dunked in sauce for me to be able to eat it.  It’s so dry that I can’t swallow it otherwise, and I can barely chew it for the same reason.  It has no taste of its own, you get flavor by adding stuff!  So why do people prefer white meat?  I’ve heard the health benefits of it, yes apparently it is an incredibly clean protein to eat.  That’s…  That’s kinda it.

That got me thinking, which is always dangerous.  Speaking universally from only my own experience, when I eat white meat I am unhappy.  I do not see joy in life, and I don’t taste chicken, I taste whatever sauce I drowned it in.  When I had white meat on Saturday, eating was a chore.  Tonight, I had dark meat, and the world is beautiful.  And from this tiny sample size, I will judge the world.

People have become more and more jerks in recent years and it’s because they are eating white meat all the time.

yup, that is the explanation.  Dark meat has a unique way of coming apart when you bite into it.  It is inherently juicier.  It’s also more tender, for some reason, and has its own flavor.  You know when you are eating dark meat.  If you never experience the tender, juicy, tasty, easy to eat recipe that is dark meat chicken, then you have removed a whole section of potential happiness.   In fact, it’s like going into an echo

chamber to only get one side of the story.  The other side may be better, but what happened is someone somewhere decided that unhappy people are worth more than happy people, thus the push for worldwide white meat chicken.  Try getting a thigh in a restaurant.  They will ask, what is that?  And they won’t have it.  It’s a conspiracy to keep us unhappy!

Don’t get me started on Turkey, the only way you eat that is with a Literal gravy BOAT!  And everyone saying they have had tender white meat, that is the exception that proves the rule.  I mean my mom’s baked chicken is tender and delicious, but she’s one of the exceptions.  There are seven billion people out there, and the majority of them are eating dry white meat!

You are welcome, Reader-land.  The way to get a happier world is to eat more dark meat chicken.