But this time the advantage is mine!
Did you know I have a nemesis? It’s trying to kill me.
Not with bullets, knives, or even poison. No, my nemesis is, well are, saliva and boogers.
You thought this was going to be a serious post?? Come come, Reader-land, you should know me better than that!
It used to be Saliva would sneak attack me into a coughing fit when I was just sitting watching TV, bringing laughter to me and my family. But I grew too smart for that, and have saliva medication and positioning so that if there is a sneak attack, I just drool. Undignified, yes, but hilarious.
Boogers, on the other hand, were like the Soviet Union. They were there all the time, sometimes winning the proxy war, sometimes losing, but mostly in a stalemate, both recognizing the other’s formidable power. A handkerchief always at the ready, the assault would come in surprise violent sneezes, with rapid fire repetition. The sneeze attacks are legendary in my family, and my ability to wield a handkerchief no less so. The great powers were at a fitful peace.
Then they allied.
The Axis of Evil, on par with the worst military power of axis WWII, and maybe Iran and North Korea thrown in, realized that I no longer wielded the handkerchief with the same force and rapidity. I no longer was able to contain a sneak sneeze attack. I appeared complacent, fat and happy, like Rome before the fall, like Tsarist Russia before the war, like America now. Sensing this weakness, they pounced!
First, it was excess Saliva, lulling me into keeping my mouth closed at all times. Then, Boogers moved in to take up positions in the nose, restricting breathing. Then, the diabolical sneeze-choke, where they would make me sneeze, and on the inhale, Saliva would maneuver and send me into a choking fit. It was the Blitzkrieg. Once the occupation happened, the night terrors began. Oh, a truce was called, a treaty signed to allow drool, but the fine print of the treaty was worse than the treaty of Versailles. The drool wouldn’t be able to get out, unless drastic chin maneuvers took place, causing intense jaw pain and a bulldog underbite. Then, while mitigating these cruel tricks from Saliva, Boogers ruled uncontested in the nose. The Axis powers would stop at nothing to restrict breathing.
But the Battle of Breathing wears on, and in Churchillian resistance comes hope, and where there is hope is the chance of victory. For in the darker times, the medical world has not yet joined the war, but sent supplies and aid. The tools of war. The cough assist machine, to clear lungs, throat and nose of the blockades. The BiPap, to send supplies of air to lungs and carbon dioxide out, and the suction machine to rid Saliva of its fearful power.
The standoff has returned,. An iron curtain has fallen over parts of my bodily functions.
I really enjoyed writing all that. It really shows how much history there is to learn and how applicable it is to so many things.