ALS Infomercials

I promised you light updates.

Does no one understand you?handful

Does the toothpaste always fall off the toothbrush before you start brushing?84031527

Do ill-timed jokes make you almost poop your pants?1345176804064

Does picking your nose at the end of the day sound like a good time?

Do you get stuck in rooms because the dog won’t move?

Does your tube feeding syringe explode every other feeding? 84031522

Do your long nails give you nosebleeds?

Does your son say you smell weird?

Are you somehow incapable of performing perfectly normal tasks when on camera?84022552

You might have ALS!!  And with only fifty thousand payments of $19.99, plus shipping and handling, you can…

Mel and I love infomercials.  The people are totally over-the-top about making eggs or whatever, and it is just so bad!  We would make fun of them on and on and on.  Nowadays I can’t act them out but we still laugh, and last night we were laughing again all about

Seriously though, Mel was standing me up one evening and started to tell me something, and I told her to stop because I can’t laugh when standing, I will fall or worse.  She proceeded to keep telling me a funny story, and I nearly pooped my pants!  Thank goodness I didn’t, because the new bathroom!!!  I did finally get to say I told you so to Mel.  And I said it!

Of course, I really shouldn’t tease Mel, since I literally can’t do anything without her.  If I get her too upset she may just leave me here!

The other constant danger of laughter is that I start choking.  It’s ingenious how my nemesis Saliva comes up with ways to kill me.  So if I don’t laugh when you see me, it’s not that it isn’t funny, I am just trying to breathe!  Just like Epstein, who didn’t kill himself. 75429334_121146205996161_4273664180902428672_n

Did anyone ever listen to Garrison Keillor?  My dad used to listen to him and he had a spot in the morning before mass, The Writers Almanac, and then A Prarie Home Companion on Sundays.  I always thought he was a balding, skinny, bearded old man.  I found out later that we didn’t gel politically, but his radio voice and creativity was incredible!  So I want you to imagine his voice for this next bit, as I update you on the news from Mt Sidingoff.

It’s a beautiful time in the Gregory household.  Just last weekend I got to see Jack and his Vex robotics team.  I’m so proud of him trying it and sticking with it, I know it will only help in his future.  The girls are model students, which means they take after their mother.  They also got her good looks.  Luke, in the meantime,, is flying aircraft and star wars and ninjas and ALL the sound effects.  Yes, he takes after me.

Preparations are underway for thanksgiving, which this year I will spend at home.  It is a lot of effort to go anywhere and interact with more than one person.  My family is disappointed, but I am saving them the embarrassment of someone else saying I smell bad.  Not to mention the incredibly awkward moment if I have to pee.  I will miss them, but they and their flooring will be grateful.  In the meantime, out of towners can stop by for a quick hello.

As for the ALS, it marches on!  I have plateaud a bit, but now I’m not really able to drive Lively, the control is too far forward.  But any other chair is a million times worse when driving anywhere, my head flip flops around like Mitt Romney, and I have intense neck pain the rest of the day.  I have a lot more trouble standing now, and I sit here most of every day.  It’s too cold to go out anywhere!

The siding got ripped off our house, again.  We are at risk every rainstorm.  It is alright, however, because we won’t flood!

And that is the news from here! I hope you read it in the voice I told you!  And I hope it was lighthearted enough.  84022539

Until next time! M

4 thoughts on “ALS Infomercials”

  1. Dear Joe: Regarding the problem of your head flip flopping around, is it possible that a foam cervical neck collar may help you? Mine closes with Velcro, and sometimes it’s more comfortable to wear it turned back to front. It may not solve the problem, but I think it would limit the degree of motion and resulting pain. If it’s the right size, it should not impede your ability to breathe or swallow. They also make rigid ones, but I’ve never tried that. All should be available at local chain pharmacies. It’s just a thought, with my continuing prayers for you all. PS Loved the Garrison Keillor voice. You should also try Jean Shepherd‘s radio voice.


    1. I don’t think they will help enough. The foam doesn’t provide enough support, and I can’t wear rigid collar because I put my head down to swallow. Lively is the best solution, but she’s out of commission. ALS is basically the goldilocks of diseases!


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