You are a looney.
I might be. I was talking to Mel this week and shared some things, and she said I should write about it. So welcome to my brain, we have cookies! The first thing you should know is that I have never been normal. That out of the way, my current situation is such that changes the normal way of thinking above and beyond the abnormal thinking I already have. What do I mean?
I’m dying. What do you think I mean?
When you have this view, the view from my house, not only can you see Russia but you can see all the time slipping away. Things that before I could have procrastinated on, or waited until it was a better time, or a more circumspect approach, all that is gone. If I don’t address it now or soon, things will be left unsaid, actions will not be done, etc. Basically, the time you think you have is now in fast forward.
Not the funny, chipmunk sounding fast forward, either.
So why bring this up? Well, I’m glad you asked! I have a unique perspective in that my condition is such that I can’t DO stuff, so I ingest stuff, then think about it.
You know, Sean Bean was right, and if you don’t know the movie Ronin, shame on you. (Around 30 second in, is this quote.)
Yes, I think too hard. I get to ruminate on topics that are considered super complex, and then I apply a “How should it be?” filter to it, then generally get depressed or angry.
The worst part is getting angry, because we all want to change the world for the better, but now I feel trapped, unable to speak in an understandable way, three or four sentences behind everyone else, and nothing to do but keep it to myself, get it out here, or get angry and lose hope, and humor. This is what I told Mel about, this and more. That might be for another post.
But I wanted to share with you how it looks from the wheelchair, one of the reasons I’m SURE that so many people give up, or go full withdrawal. They have the ability to understand much more because they can’t do anything else, but are unable to communicate it to anyone because whatever reason.
So, personal story. I thought that because I had a public blog, I was required in good conscience to stand up for the faith or the Truth. Well, that is the case, but, only if challenged. In fact, I talked to my friend Fr Tim, OP, who reminded me that while I can blog, I must never lose sight of my vocation, which is a husband and father first. He was able to take Mother Teresa’s words and mold them to my situation, which is helpful.
The truth is I am greatly conflicted about if I should write or not, and it is too apparent that this is a tiny blog in a huge loud world. I should probably let the Scott Hahns talk instead.
But, you, unfortunately get to experience the personal stories behind all of the feelings!