And I’m not talking about meat. I’m talking about my soul. Don’t read if you don’t want a negative post. This one is really honest.
I’m sick. I caught a chest cold and it’s kicking my bottom. If I lie down, my nose gets all stuffed up, I am stifling coughs because if I cough my muscles take a long time to relax and I can’t breathe. So for two nights, I have slept in Rocinante, and they have not been pleasant nights. So last night Joey and Andrew came to set up the hospital bed, so maybe I could elevate my head and get sleep.
Well, we tried it. And I found it difficult to inhale, so I kept signaling up, up. But when I got up, I found that my head would flop to one side and I couldn’t move it. I started panicking, and I am ashamed to say I was yelling at Melanie to fix me, but she couldn’t understand me. Then I couldn’t move around in the bed because it is too slippery. Nothing to dig my heels in to, I couldn’t even roll without fear of falling off. It was total helplessness.
See, when I lie down, my tongue won’t work. I can’t move it. So asking for any help is a chore, but when I start panicking it quadruples the disconnect. Poor Mel got the worst of it.
I should also explain, I have to sleep on my side in our regular bed, because I can’t control the saliva going down my throat if I lie on my back, nor my tongue blocking the windpipe. This goes for sitting upright too. So I sleep in the wheelchair with my head hanging down to the left so that if I drool it will not choke me. And After three nights in the wheelchair, unable to move my arms and leaving my head hanging down, I hurt.
So the confluence of all this is that I witnessed my coming death, in my mind. Do you ever think about how you are going to die? Because for me it was flashing through my head all night, and I am terrified. I want to go to heaven, yeah, but we tend to not talk about the death part. I started wondering, will I drown? Will I suffocate? Will it happen when I am totally immobile, and unable to tell someone that I need help? Will I cough so hard that I can’t breathe afterwards? Will I fall off the chair or bed? You know we probably all think we will die peacefully in our sleep, but I know the probable way I will die. It’s terrifying.
I am not so bold as to pretend I offered it up, or that was at peace with it. And I was crying tears of fear all night. It hurts, the kind of death I’m describing, and I know because I have experienced it. And I tried to offer it up, and I am not strong enough. No amount of prayers that I was saying calmed my soul.
So, I refer back to Fr Al, and his discussion of the Garden of Gethsemane. Boy, I can relate in the smallest of ways to Jesus! Foreseeing His Passion, and even asking for it to be taken away. But He is God, and I am not. My own prayer of “not my will” was so hollow that you could drive a truck through it. And even worse, I don’t know how to do anything else!
Here I am complaining about a sore neck when a woman who broke her neck and miraculously survived is praying for me! A friend of mine has been in the hospital for two weeks and in and out of surgery. And I have family and friends doing favors for me but I whine about having a cold. I don’t know how to offer it up! Especially when I am having trouble breathing and not choking! I DONT KNOW HOW!
Yes, I am scared every night to go to sleep. I’m no role model. I’m just begging for this cup to pass from me. Please pray for me.